Leggy! Gorny! Bori!
by jewelledhunter
Summary: The Fellowship is plagued by a MarySue who is determined to follow them. Many plots ensue to destroy her, one plot involving an apple. R&R!


Summary: The Fellowship is suddenly disturbed by the spawn of Morgoth: Mary Sues.

* * *

The Fellowship had barely set out from Rivendell and they were traveling in the land called Hollin when _she _came. The Mary-Sue. 

Everyone was eating a meal; Aragorn and Gandalf were discussing the route when there was a sudden pop. Everyone turned and stared at the newcomer.

She had a perfect figure, her hair a beautiful blonde with natural red highlights. Her eyes were the color of the sea, her red lips full and perfect. She wore a blue velvet dress that simply was not good for travel. It suited a lady of Minas Tirith more, or Arwen of Rivendell. But despite this, she somehow managed to wear a sword on her belt and some arrows and a bow.

"My name is Mary Serena Beauty Bella Celesta Nicole Arwen Eowynia Lerolas Elrondiel," the woman declared.

"Wait. Was that my name corrupted?" Legolas said angrily. "What in Valar's name is Lerolas?"

"Do not shame the Lady Arwen's name!" Aragorn said indignantly.

"You don't just idly toss Lady Eowyn of Rohan's name as your own," Boromir said, crossing his arms. "She is a noble lady!"

Despite the numerous admonitions, the Mary-Sue continued. "I am here to assist you on your Quest." The Fellowship stared. "Right now, you are at the Pellenor Fields, so we should turn towards Minas Tirith."

There was a silence. "Well?" the Mary-Sue said impatiently.

"We are not in Gondor," Boromir said. Suddenly, the entire Fellowship fell over laughing, Pippin leaning on Merry as he cried tears of mirth. Frodo nearly fell into the fire as he rolled back and forth. Sam buried his face in his backpack. Aragorn curled up and laughed into his knees; Boromir turned around, his body shaking with laughter. Legolas tried to polish his knives, but eventually fell down, laughing madly. Gimli laughed openly, pointing at the Mary-Sue and choking out words. Gandalf smiled benevolently, an occasional deep chuckle escaping him.

Meanwhile, the Mary-Sue looked at them indignantly and puffed up. "I, Mary Serena Beauty Bella Celesta Nicole Arwen Eowynia Lerolas Elrondiel, will not suffer such insults, especially from my soon-to-be lover, Legolas!" At the mention of Legolas' name, everyone stopped.

"What?" Legolas asked. "What do you say?"

"I, Mary Serena Beauty Bella Celesta Nicole Arwen Eowynia Lerolas Elrondiel, will not suffer such insults, especially from my soon-to-be lover, Legolas!" the Mary-Sue repeated stupidly.

"I am not going to be an idiot's lover, especially one who corrupts my name!" Legolas said.

"Ah, well, I can always seduce Aragorn," the Mary-Sue said.

"Don't say that about Strider!" Pippin said.

"Boromir is always the back-up," the Mary-Sue said conceitedly. "Come, we must go to Minas Tirith."

And with that, the entire Fellowship fell over laughing again.

* * *

Gandalf led the Company, even though the Mary-Sue was so upset and crying perfect tears that caused disgusting flowers to sprout from where her tears fell. The Fellowship generally ignored her and Pippin muttered about how Sam's aim could serve them well now. 

Mary was generally being stupid and flirtious, talking to Legolas with a voice dripping with honey. Legolas made occasional puking noises to the dwarf and finally puked over her. The Mary-Sue calmly used her magical powers to take away the stuff and continued to slobber over Legolas.

"Leggy! ur so hawt!111 i luv u! i will luv u to the end of the youniverse!" Legolas promptly fell over and started twitching.

"Legolas!" Pippin screamed. He poked the Elf. "You killed him! He was nice to me! You shall die!"

With that, Pippin jumped onto the Mary-Sue and ripped at her hair, her face, and her nails.

"EEK! I broke a nail! Now Leggy won't love me!" Mary cried in agony. But then, using her magical powers, she looked perfect again. She even charmed her hair to turn into different colors so she looked like a long-haired clown with a rainbow wig. Legolas looked at her and started laughing, starting the Fellowship to start laughing all over again.

"Leggy! Since u won't luv me, Gorny will luv me!"

"Who's Gorny?" everyone asked.

"Aragorn! Watch out!" Legolas cried as the Mary-Sue slobbered over Aragorn.

"Kill her!" Boromir cried. Aragorn cut at the Mary-Sue but it was as if she was made of steel. A little cut formed on her neck and disappeared as she used her magical powers.

"I, Mary Serena Beauty Bella Celesta Nicole Arwen Eowynia Lerolas Elrondiel, am so much better than Eowynin...Arwenian...Arwen...Aragornian...Lothloriel...Arwenien!" the Mary-Sue cried furiously.

"I am a wielder of the Secret Fire, Flame of Arnor! Go back to the shadows!" Gandalf cried to the Mary-Sue. The Mary-Sue snorted and flipped her hair in Aragorn's face.

Aragorn collapsed, overpowered by the smell of her hair that was way too perfect for the future King of Gondor to stand. Gandalf stared at the Mary-Sue.

Boromir and Legolas picked up Aragorn and helped him to stand. They made their way slowly to Moria. (AN: I've skipped Cadahdras.)

Meanwhile, the Mary-Sue tried to walk in front of the Fellowship and looked "important" but she merely looked like a clown trying to look like the President. She shrieked as Pippin fell over laughing as her hair stopped changing and remained a rainbow color.

"I will not stand such insults from a hobbit!" Sam picked up an apple and threw it at her head. She fainted.

Everyone gathered around Sam and started throwing him into the air. Sam blushed furiously, muttering that it was only an apple.

"And now, in Imladris, they will tell the story of Sam and the Spawn of Morgoth!" Aragorn cried in praise.

"Samwise Gamgee, Mary-Sue's bane," Merry sang.

Just as she woke up.

"You…are a fat hobbit that should stay down!" the Mary-Sue yelled. "But I forgive you," she said in a voice dripping with poisonous honey. "For I am a Mary-Sue and I always forgive people."

Everyone groaned.

* * *

"A Balrog! Quick! Let's kill her!" Legolas cried. They picked up the shrieking Mary-Sue and threw it at the Balrog. The Balrog's fire went out and it stood there like a statue, and then fell apart into ashes. The Mary-Sue continued to scream as it fell down along with the pile of ashes. 

"Leggy! Gorny! Bori! SAVE ME!111111 I'm allergic to apples and Balrogs!" the Mary-Sue cried. Nobody heard her. They were throwing a party outside the Dimhril Gate.

"She is gone!" Legolas cried. Aragorn stared ahead.

"I think the poor Heir of Isildur is traumatized," Boromir said with some concern.

"Let's give him an apple. Didn't that Mary-Sue say she was allergic?"

"Apples!" Sam cried. "Let's all have an apple!"

The Fellowship cheered and started eating apples as they listened to the screams of Mary-Sues. Gandalf was alive and all were happy.

And if you visit the Mines of Moria, to this day, you will hear, "Leggy! Gorny! Bori!" echoing off the walls. For Durin's Bane is not a Balrog. It is a Mary-Sue.

AN: Err...Like it?


End file.
